I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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