god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
