i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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