Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
