you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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