But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
