I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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