She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
