Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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