I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
