Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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