If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
