I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
