Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
