Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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