Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
