my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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