What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
