i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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