I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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