I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When are your genitals available?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
