you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
