too bad you live with your parents still
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
