Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
