I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
