she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i out mim tonsoeep
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
