apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
