Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
