Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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