I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
