I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
