Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
