Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
