so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
