oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
