He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
