You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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