did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize