Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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