My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
