Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
