did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
