Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
