i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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