nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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