Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
