I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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