3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
