I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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