I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i will never coherently bang her
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
