I'm pants shitting drunk right now
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
