11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
