in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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