last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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