Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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