I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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