How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
