"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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