I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
