he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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